I wouldn’t say depressed, more like confused. Well not really, I know exactly how I feel. However to articulate such passion leaves me stuttering. “It’s crazy how”…it’s just crazy how some debates go. To actually tell you in detail all I think will not only leave you uneasy, you would question everything we have done. To have goals that seem to scare or cause laughter makes me feel even more isolated. I wasn’t supposed to be here… at this time. This is not my generation… or is it?? Everything happens for a reason right? How can you do something the same & want different answers? How long can you have yours & some? To be honest I just want to be free! What is free?! Free to dictate my own purpose. Fuck a clock in! But you have to clock in regardless, boss or worker. I’m not depressed just so aware that to produce certain feelings proves expensive. Energy you cannot recreate. Like time you cannot get back. A lot of people or humans do not really understand the power we possess. It crushes my soul to over hear people so content with scraps. No judgement but how can’t you see the effects as a whole? Why cause you don’t see yourself progressing, I have to stay with you? How many times do I have to be the mature one? Why can’t I possess a bag or two to jump in? Am I leader? I followed enough to know the difference. What they don’t tell u however is that leading is lonely. You must be so sure of yourself, so involved with self, that this factor doesn’t frighten you.
“Don’t fall victims to victims.”
People who seem to not be able to save themselves, I wouldn’t say damaged, I would say survival mode. They made it this far somehow, someway.
Should that be my problem?
After much thought, I say no. To a certain degree, yes. As humans, compassion is essential to our survival. Yet my survival is essential to me. I can only care so much, be attacked before that compassion breeds resentment. Who else thinks like me? Wants more, travel, economic freedom by hard work that is cherished, not drowned in coffee. I’m exhausted being that person who can be told anything. After a while, I only become a means to an end. Maybe I should destroy my filter. Stop playing the game by your rules. Stop showing empathy, start showing hardness. Detachment is a vital tool yet with too much of anything can destroy you. I despise the negative from you. The indecisiveness that I suffer from already, why should I embrace yours? Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck am I? Could this be the early stages of my karma? Part of me sincerely believes this while the other is embracing the painful growth. Change hurts tremendously and keeps hurting. Such is life. My issue for some time is the balance. I could love just as I can ignore, let go. Is this good? It’s safe that’s for sure. But you can only detach for so long before nothing matters. Now your ego says if it doesn’t help you, ignore. This is why the world behaves as such. Yet I learn and learned many don’t want to be rescued. What they hate or causes them pain is the same thing they love/embrace. Reasoning goes only so far. How many times can I try to keep you afloat when you are pulling me with you? I wish you could see what I see. You will though, not with me. You will remember when you do though. Make a mental note and continue living. I have forgotten people who I couldn’t go a day without. By choice and pure defense. Do I miss some of them? Of course but missing will not write for me. The same way I can do it, I know they can do it. It’s not my business. Cold but reality. Accept reality before you lose track of it. Nothing is ever yours! Just enjoy your clock in. I upset myself knowing I should move left but move right for instant satisfaction. I’m not depressed just understanding. To understand is tiring because it is never one layer. Layer after layer to fully get someone. Energy is much needed for this. To throw it all away, well that’s life…
Chico C. Deleon
PayneInTheCulo 