Why can’t they understand me?
You ever went to explain your beliefs and thought process to someone and the look in their faces blatantly says…
The fuck you talking about?
Such is life for an Aquarius. To the point instead of mastering communication, I become a master in confining.
Confining?
In who?
The scariest person to be exact…
Myself.
Like writing a book and never getting fresh eyes. Only critiquing myself with myself. Becoming the most dangerous entity- self hating. Worse than that, self doubting. Making ourselves believe no one will understand 👆🏾. At times it can really feel as such. In all seriousness. In a concert but only hear ourselves…
Pure Darkness.
Our reasoning getting away from us. Stumbling over every word, hoping people can see how different we are. How much we long to not feel so detached? Its just in us. It’s what our souls know. Instead of fighting through this, if not ready, we embrace our lone warrior. We don’t want to be alone but it’s our way of keeping safe. If we don’t connect with something or someone, there’s a great chance I won’t feel a way when such and such happens. To avoid confrontation with these demons, we simply avoid the path to them. Believing and deaming they will simply disappear. For at a time it genuinely feels they do exactly that. Until the smoke wears off, the liquor is shitted out, the game is over, time for people to go home. Now here we are again staring at the path but avoiding eye contact…
Please don’t let the teacher pick me.
So what do we do when the bud man is not picking up or the gym is closed, we go into our underwater cave if you will. One way in, one way out. Whoever tries to peak in without a reason that makes sense to us, prepare for the snap. Also known as…
Fuck Everybody!
Yet we end up fucking our selves. More rebellious than ever we start to attack everything that doesn’t fit our logic. Every thing is working against us. Being the extremist we are, we allow situations to go beyond our control and some.
When we doubt, we give up.
When we are angry, we lose rationale.
Words no longer work.
A lot of stored emotions will start to rise. It doesn’t matter if you were the cause of them or not. A lot of our problems will start to cease once we grasp that we do that. After throwing everything and then some at you, now we understand. Now we want to change. What happens if it’s too late? Usually it is.
I read somewhere we wait to get jolts in order to break out our rigid ways.
The best part…
We don’t have to wait for these measures. We control that aspect. We are more in control of our emotions than we tend to believe fellow Aquarius. Watch me work…
Twenty eight years old, twenty eight!!
Still a rookie in this game, I’m more at peace with myself right now than I ever been. Blessed to wake up, move my thumbs, open my eyes, scratch my ass, go to the bathroom without assistance. You can go on non stop about the blessings we take for granted. We are special people Aquarius. Everyone is but this is not about them. When focused, we become a force with no opposition. You heard of Micheal Jordan (February 17), of course. And David Goggins?
In order to break free from ourselves we must confront ourselves.
Step into a place that scares the shit out of even us. As I politic with my boy O all the time in order to break free from something, you have to know with certainty what you are breaking free from. Is this coming from you? Did you get all the information, correct at that? See we well myself has a tendency to piece together my own story with the information I deem fit. Facts or not, if it makes sense to my theory, it’s facts…
Goodbye relationships in every sense of the word.
How does one, set in a routine which is now destroying self, release themselves? This is all we know. Toxic or refreshing, it’s our muscle memory. What happens every time we even attempt to create distance between what is and a new approach? We begin to hurt. Trapped in a corner we made up. Being attacked by people we created- Where?
In the strongest muscle known to man- mental.
We must learn to take all of our extremes, all our flaws…and embrace them. Accept who you are. By doing this crucial first step, you now have the brain power to confront the path being avoided.
Understand it is ourselves!
Not our mothers, sisters, fathers, friends-whoever!!
We create our own anxiety by bottling up.
Who really is hurting?
Who has to look in the mirror?
Not them!
What happens when you can no longer even call on these people? Being such a strong sign, I can’t even bring myself to say quit. It’s not in us to quit. We are too extreme to quit. But without guidance and sense of purpose we will quit…on ourselves.
Doubting our every move until we don’t make any. And still wonder why nothing has changed. As an Aquarius, I truly learned due to our inability to be normal and a rebel by heart, we must do the hardest part of being successful- loving yourself.
Cannot be taught to you. Cannot be coached to you.
Love and acceptance comes from understanding who you are. Grasping the stone cold truth, people cannot help us until we help us. To go against this from personal experience, it will only be you who suffers. No one feels as we do. The in depth analysis we do on every single thing new to us. Eventually not doing it at all for fear of what? After asking myself over and over, I came to that very answer.
Fear of what?
What are you scared of brother?
Leaving the fort that got us here today?
Kept us safe and sheltered while the world turned?
Kept us hidden from danger yet not really finding anything at all?
What I’m saying D’Arcy, fellow Aquarius’, it is nobody but ourselves blocking us. No one can have such power over our souls but us. Being the thinkers and dreamers we are, we must accept we are on constant alert. Positive ideas, brand new routes will be attacked without mercy by our own rationale. That is until we rotate a few pieces, add some screws, and remove some more (as if we needed that). We can beat this and become great. Great we already are. What we tend to do and must stop immediately is expecting perfection from ourselves. We slip just like everyone else. We are not better than anyone, in anyway. Accepting our flaws brothers and sisters, we can get past this and stop the war inside. Channel it into a craft, career, family- I promise you it will be the biggest reward received.
It never gets easier, never!!
N-E-V-E-R. Listen to me!!
NEVER!!
So in knowing there’s a great chance of getting hit why not learn what to do when it happens? So you can stay in the fight and see it thru? Letting it kick your ass will do just that. In our up front blunt ness D’Arcy once again, fellow Aquarius- stop sulking. Feeling bad for yourself will only work if you can channel it to something bigger than yourself.
I know you are asking how…
The “it sounds good” but…
Do me a favor since we love to interrupt…
Shut up will ya!!
Watch me work…
First we need to isolate ourselves.
Before you jump down my throat, listen to what I am saying (well read, whatever). Isolation is not bad, at all. Being our sign, it’s needed in order to function properly. It’s how you do it that makes the difference. Don’t isolate people more importantly.
Isolate feelings.
Those self doubt feelings, self hating, self loathing.
Then figure out what makes you happy.
What makes you smile and wake up.
KEEP IN MIND…
This will not happen if you are not consistent.
Yada yada, listen!!
Ask yourself those questions that make you even say not today. Makes you feel like shit. Disappointed in yourself. Ask yourself firmly HOWEVER, WHATEVER WAY MAKES YOU COMFORTABLE…
Why does________ feel like this?
Once you get that answer, go even further to figure out how was this feeling birthed. What nurtured it? Kept it fed while starving your growth? It hurts. More than hurts, it is the truth. No mercy, no concern. Life doesn’t have time for such. It’s about what is and what isn’t. Now keep repeating and answering what ever comes up. Get to the root of the feeling and I promise you from first hand experience (writing this), you will conquer it. When I say conquer I literally mean control. It can no longer bother you no matter where or who it comes from. Why?
You understand yourself. From the ticks to how long you smile.
What we strive for Aquarius? Freedom, Mother Fucking Freedom!!
Understand brothers and sisters, you too D’Arcy, no one will give us this. We scare people by just being us. We are to create our way. Being gifted in many aspects, isolating the negative and attacking them with all that is great in you, it merges. What made us weak before now we manipulate at will. Self doubt becomes the final set of that workout. Self hate becomes that book everyone can relate to. You get me people? Let’s move on…
Figure out what keeps your mind positively occupied.
No I mean it with every fiber in me. Idle time is our well my worst enemy. Too much thinking leads to overthinking which leaves us seeing everyone as a spy. Why did she look for me this morning? What’s the agenda? To think freely is a gift and a curse. Such a thin line, you can have a slip right when you thought the floors were dry.
Find something that makes you want to live while keeping that brain occupied with positively. Negativity thrives in our souls because we internalize it, building walls to fight off future attacks…without even dealing with what has found its way in.
Stay focus Aquarius!
Never been more serious.
Focus! FOCUS! F-O-C-U-S!
We love to be everywhere but not where it counts. Focus people for a better future.
Finally, LET GO OF CONTROL!!
We do not control shit man!
I’m tired of telling you this D’Arcy!
Excuse us, that was rude.
We are so in tune with ourselves we know certain situations will change us forever. The lost or gain from a traumatic experience can mold us until we understand how unhelpful it has become.
So what do we do?
We try to control elements in order to prevent the unpreventable. Leaving us drained, failed, and further alone. What could we have done better?
Not a damn thing. Faster you learn that (I just did literally, a month ago) the closer to freedom you will be. Our passion is sometimes too much for even ourselves.
Where can you run from yourself?
Seriously ask yourself…
Does it even make sense?
To us it does. So we lose ourselves in groups, hangouts, bringing joy to everyone but who matters the most- us.
Tell me if I’m lying. After two-three hours, even intoxicated, you start to see the people one by one leaving. Until it’s just you, the bottle or blunt, and your thoughts. The very ones you keep trying to escape. It’s not going anywhere. Don’t expect them to just go. We are too powerful a sign for things to be easy for us. I wouldn’t be able to articulate this if I didn’t myself go through this. GOING THROUGH THIS.
There is no handbook for us, for anyone. We create our own to our best ability praying for the best. We can be our best advisors or the no heart critic from a gossip column. Who do you attack?
Blame?
Should be no one.
Especially not yourself.
I will leave it like this people. O Dog and I always agree on this notion- everyone must be sat down at a point in order to continue on their journey. Some have to go to jail, some doing life. Some have to sustain a great injury, loss, or tragedy to understand their calling. Blessed as all ever, don’t wait for those times. It’s better to prevent an illness when you are not ill then when you are. Confront that path while you still have legs, the strength. Find what helps you grow while making you genuinely fulfilled. Work out, write, paint, mediate, cook, walk, build a clothing line- whatever makes you want to wake up the next morning. Understand its effects, aftermath, the reach it has. Greatness awaits us at every turn. It’s not Trump, our jobs, dragging us down.
It’s us and our confusion.
That’s all.
Lock in, ask yourself those grueling questions for magical answers. Feel your power. See your strengths. No one is out to get you people. The universe just wants to get us out to the people. We have gifts that can change lives. More importantly, our lives.
Be great!!
PayneInTheCulo 