Hello there…
It’s me, Mario!!
Nah, nah just D’Arcy, your fellow co-human here saying hello…
We are gathered here today to mourn our old ally- denial. Good things to say about denial…mmmmmm, it felt good at a point. It provided the comfort to continue without having to cry, why, and almost die (for my extremists). Ignoring the problem until it either leaves or settles itself. Ironically the problem never seems to leave the conscious state.
You need people like me…
Never a truer statement.
He’s a
Dog,
A cheat,
Blah blah!!
What does that make you?? It’s easy to blame others. Easier to believe you are always right. I know what I am…finally. I truly believe this is why I can feel so broken at times. So restricted. Trying to be somebody I’m not while hoping people see me as I believe they should…major cluster fuck right?!
Fuck themmmm…!!!
With all due respect, all due respect. Admittance is crucial in self healing, maturing. In society terms, I’m what you would call a grimy mother fucker:
A liar,
Cheat,
Womanizer,
Cheap,
Selfish,
Manipulative.
Sheesh there’s more?
Who am I lying to though? Those who I accepted will never understand. We all sin. Some more than others. Others enough for all of us. Where do I fall in all this? Ehh somewhere in there.
See me, I don’t have that problem…
If I cannot be honest with myself which is disrespectful to the soul. How in the hell can I give it to you? Human flaw, granted. I admit it yet as selfish as told I can be, as godly as I feel (Aquarius trait) I’m still human. I fuck up!
Even more when trying to make everyone but myself happy. When I care, I care with every artery in and around my heart (if that makes sense). Another trait. I want everyone, even those I’m learning to drop the hate for, to be successful in their own way. My attitude though, fucking sucks!
Random blow ups as powerful as the mixture bombs in Die Hard With A Vengeance. Quick and beyond deadly. Lost many behind this. Some I wish I can undo. Life don’t give a shit about your feelings. To try and manipulate the universe will only go so far before it implodes. Vividly I remember telling myself earlier in life, my temper will ruin a lot for me if left unchecked. Has it?
Ehhh, what’s written is written.
All I can do in all bluntness is to be better for the next time. Remove the restriction, even if they still cannot grasp your logic. Remember fellow co humans, what is right? What is wrong? My right is your wrong. My wrong is your right.
Say it three times fast.
I have hurt people with my actions, words and my natural aloof aura. Physical harm-can’t really call it on that one. Such harm ever since I first understood its power, was an oath for life. You don’t cause physical harm to someone and believe it ends there. Physical violence, not guilty. Borderline narcissist, guilty.
I used to embrace whole heartily this skill* of detaching at will. Survival of the fittest yet done too much, what becomes of life? How does one turn it off? This year has been some shit. Once that damn ball dropped…
2017, 2-17…
THIS MY SHIT!
Woooooooo!!…(Ric Flair voice)
It’s not even close to being over. Sitting on post, it hits me like brass knuckles-
It needed to happen!!
In my opinion.
No bias ness.
Have I killed?
Has he killed?
They ask?
Good one DRC.
I have been going against the grain for far too long. Losing key people (I think) along the way. I’m guilty in my own right. I know my faults, finally. Coming to the inevitable conclusion, many no matter what was done for them, will not see your vision. Agendas we all have, which wave length, who knows? I can’t stay still.
My fear of missing out has reached extreme proportions. If certain ties haven’t been cut, would I be here writing? Breathing?
Could there be any chance of reconciling? I’m learning to leave the past in the past- shit hurts Gawd!
My biggest fear is adopting that polar ice within, that I’m bred to be (Aquarius shit). I won’t be feeling like this I promise you. Wouldn’t be writing either. Go figure.
Point your finger at me…
I lie, lied so much no matter how truthful my acts, my image remains tainted. Not crying (not now) about it. Stopped pointing fingers a long time ago when fault is involved. My delivery however will do the complete opposite. I suppress so much that when it does leak out, anything built with someone, is immediately paused. If not left as is. I played many deadly games with elements more powerful than I can ever be. Not crying (not anymore), I’ll take the blame. Let me help you be a better person. Don’t blame yourself. This why you have the bad guy.
Side bar:
What is bad? What is good?
I learned to not even inquire anymore. Too extreme to handle such inquiries without being tuned out after a hour rant. In all honesty trying to answer that dynamic could end my life. Done my share of dirt. Throughout it all, I still practiced morals.
What the fuck?!
Think about it deeply, we all have. Only one cigarette today, hey better than a pack right-just an example.
I tell the truth even when I lie…
When lying, truth is there but immediately lost in translation. There for who though?
To ease my nerves? Either way, you trust me or you don’t. He didn’t trust, she didn’t trust. Shit up until now, I didn’t myself. Renting a glass house, I never threw stones at others. Accepted many as is. Reason why I’m surrounded by respect and love. Life and these non sinners* could give a fuck when only one has the credentials to even do so. I lie, you lie, we lie, lied to each other, to her, him- it’s going to happen. We deal as it comes. I learned to just let people be, they will see it eventually. Until then remember co human, we are the same. You may cheat on taxes, he may cheat on his wife. She may lie to get in trouble (wink). He may lie to get out of trouble. But as long as denial runs rampart, point those fingers. I’m ready!
I know my value and purpose, do you?
Think about it, lower the finger slowly and think. You are pointing at me because of what again? I hurt you, cool. Let’s get deeper. You control everything you feel. For how long. This we can fucking control not all that other shit we focus on! I never knew how much I interrupt the next person in a heated debate. Hey one of those fingers has a reason. Okay more than one.
Do I point back- Nah!
I speak, format my words so it’s a conversation and not a debate. Always on the defensive, I honestly haven’t mastered when to be and when not to be. These are facts! What I have mastered is no more denial. You either love or hate me but in deciding which one never forget all my positives. How it outweighs all that bad. How can I forgive so much but be crucified by the same people? Don’t cry about it. Rope-a-dope that shit. Lick your wounds and keep striving. I’ll be the bad guy, at least I KNOW with every being in me, the person I was, am and growing to be. Take those fingers, grab a pen or phone (millennials) figure out who the hell you are. Maybe, just maybe that finger may switch directions…
CHICOOOOOOO!!!
PayneInTheCulo 