PayneInTheCulo

How?!

I used to be confused when people told me they have two sides. Split personality(bipolar ass). Two different characters. How can this be? Without being labeled as “crazy” (aren’t we all a little crazy)? It wasn’t until I actually recognized it within myself did I realize I always had two different sides. D’Arcy was my mask. Shit for a time I really had no choice of the mask, it’s just who I was at that time. I was shy, timid, and intimidated constantly. To talk to a female was 💀. Border line shitting on myself. I had low self esteem and in a way, lived through everyone else. I despised being different. I wanted what they were wearing, wanted to move how they moved. This was me at a time. I will admit this 😪. At times I used to fear that was the man I was meant to be. I used to hate my name. 

HATE IT‼️ 

I was always sheltered in terms of people watching over me (like a boss). As you guessed it…I ran my mouth a lot. Could argue for hours. When talking failed and it was time to 👊…I 🏃….fast‼️ 

 Ms. Walters…

Awww Ms. Barbara Walters…

Told me one day in 8th grade-stop whining. Nobody likes a grown man who whines. What are you going to do when Ms.Robinson (Asst. principal as well as my second mother) is not around to protect you? I also believe she said being such a way will eventually lead to getting my ass kicked. Something along those lines. Don’t quote me 😭. 

Man O’ man was she right. No one likes a whiner. Not a man. Not a woman. Not your significant other. NO ONE‼️ I also did my ass kicked. Why? That mouth of mines. Hey, maybe there are people who rather fight than argue. Lesson all the way learned. 

Yes please, do tell.

If you told me in eighth grade I would be this person, I would have probably made a joke and walked away. Self aware, woke, good shape, and a gift to write. Well the writing I always knew would be something. I couldn’t take it serious at the time. Too many video games and house parties out weighed writing. Chasing irrelevant aspirations as if they mattered kept me foggy…for a loooongg time. 

Now a man, with or without acceptance, certain things can no longer be ignored. Urgency is at an all time high. Sense of purpose. Knowing you can longer ask mommy for help. As a man how can you rely on your boy to handle your business.

If I was to cry over “time wasted”, I wouldn’t be able to write this. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing is coincidence. Everything written. This person I am becoming scares the shit out of me. Fascinating none the less. 

You ever felt the civil war raging inside you? The battle between old and new. Releasing those chains that kept you “safe.” As if you doing something totally wrong? 
Nahhh!!
Just growth. Painful, uneasy growth. There is not a day that goes by I don’t question this process. When I would rather stay in bed than work out. The old way wasn’t working PAC told us. I agree. More than agree. Insanity to want those different results. We spoke about this. Self doubt has always and still is a serious problem for me. My old ways in dealing with that have failed. Failed and failed some more. The positive?? The blessings to recognize and build from there. To identify the weakness and turn into a strength. 

Salute…