PayneInTheCulo

“Bernice wants to know if she fits in your car?

Bruh!! She said she was not coming.

Of course, she did.

How far she lives?

Only ten minutes.

Copy.

Tell Bianca we might be a little late to the meeting point.

Where is it again?

Janet said the gas station by Almaville.

Holy shit!! I never drove that far yet. We going to experience it together.

Yeah!!”– cheers George.

Arriving to the address punched in, Bernice is nowhere to be found. Three calls later, she pops out from a separate way, confusing the two.

“Hey guys. Thanks for waiting for me. I would have taken you off the schedule if you did. Just kidding. Just kidding. I’m so excited!!

Puffing on his live resin, Dante’s excitement of new scenery keeps him ignorant to why this wasn’t a good idea. Windy roads and some hills already had his palms sweating. George and Bernice keep him out his mind totally by telling jokes. Being it’s their first time together outside of work, the vibe is exhilarating. Cacti of all sizes. So much open space. Never has Dante seen it on such a grand scale coming from The Big City.

“Amazing isn’t it. And this sunroof. I like your car.”– Bernice says stashing her empty coffee cup on the side of the door.

“It is nice, and your music choices have been slapping.”– George agrees.  

Three minutes to the destination, Dante can see its big yellow sign. Good, he is very eager to begin shooting. Especially out in the desert. Pulling into this massive gas station, he takes in the environment. Signs warning you about poisonous snakes. Bernice and George disappear into the convenience store mentioning snacks. The rest of the party arrives while Dante stretches his legs. Matthew pulls up right next to him showing off his new live resin.

“Try that my boy. Yeahh!! Gas!!”

George comes back first and smells the dank.

“Ohhh, what is that?

Try that my boy.

Yeah I need one of these. Perfect for the outing. You have any extra on you?”

Matthew looks around in his stash and finds a couple.

“I can sell you this one right here. I just opened it. I’ll sell it to you for half. Zelle me.

Ow, you the best.”

Janet, Bernice, Rocky, and Bianca are to the side chatting. Everybody eager to get going.

“Alright follow us to the pin location. Ten more minutes I promise you.”

The steep downward hills to the location has Dante clutching the wheel. Winding steep downward hills to be exact which you can see before you arrive. Without barriers. A year into his license. No more than thirty minutes on the road at a time, makes for quite the experience. Reaching said spot, the set up is to be perfection. Assault rifles, a shotgun, handguns, and ammo lined on a table Janet’s boyfriend assembled. Targets set in the ground. Eagerly Dante loads his handgun and heads straight to the firing line, missing every shot.

“Damn Gina.”– Rocky teases from the sideline.

As the shooting commences, two dirt bikes pull up in earnest.

“Hey guys, your rounds are going over. There’s a path right under this cut off. We had to see it ourselves before coming over here. Thank you guys.

 After they depart, everyone looks at each other.

“We don’t have a backstop do we?

Nah I did not bring one.

Me neither.

I do know of another location. Where everybody goes. Big hill for the backstop. On this one ya must follow us though. I don’t have the pin.”

Everybody mounts up and begins the drive. Those very hills they went down, now Dante must go up them. Keeping his nerves intact, he follows closely behind Matthew. Back on the two-lane highway, in the mountains, Dante loses them almost at once. Now the driving out here is of a fast paced. Being green, buzzed and still nervous of highways Dante stands no chance. He is reminded of this when Rocky zooms past yelling out her window “PUSSY!!” Ready to give up, Bernice receives a pin location. What a relief. Dante makes the right just in time onto the path. He sees nobody from the party and stops at a cross path. He can go left or keep going straight- no other options. And for some reason, Dante listens to Bernice to straight. Being she and George were natives to the land, he listened.

“No way Matthew’s car came through here. His car’s too low.

Just keep going straight.”

Dante has never been in any environment such as this. Let alone driving and being responsible for his passengers. Vast desert terrain with a nasty drop off to right. That was noticeably clear. Determined to find somebody, Dante pushes forward on the trail despite his own warning signs going off. Now reaching a hill of gravel with discarded tires stacked to the side. Real creepy looking even in direct sunlight. Over this hill of gravel, you cannot see. It was almost as going to the next floor of the desert if you will. Dante begins pushing up the hill with no issues until reaching the top, a monster pickup appears as of thin air. Towering over the car, everyone felt small. No way for both to pass simultaneously. With everybody at a slant, Dante starts to panic. Bernice notices this and begins calming him down.

“Okay, this is what we are going to do. The sun is blocking your mirrors so I will guide you. Listen to my words. Slowly reverse. Okay stop. Turn slightly to the right. Just slight!! Okay stop. To the left. Do not look right!! Just focus with me.”

This went on for like two minutes which resulted in a clear safe space to wait. Not one but a caravan of pickups came barreling down, thanking us for not making it difficult. Dante thanked them for not crushing them. Alone with the desert again, they push up the hill. Boulders cover the floor. Random mud holes scattered about. Some with thick mud while others were more liquefied. A big drop to the far-left caught Dante’s eyes but Bernice was focused on the floor.

“Listen. Avoid the mud if you can especially those that look like that one.

Yo, I’m going to go just a bit further then we turning around.

Okay. Just see what is up there. I hear gunshots, they must be up there. Shit!!

What happen? – both George and Dante ask nervously.

No service.”

They both check their phone. Not only no service, but the phone has an icon Dante never seen before. Just then, the car hits a mud pit. The left tire starts spinning in place.

“WHOA!!

Remember what I said D. Stay on the boulders. They are much safer.”

The first boulder paused his fear. The second and third one confirmed it. The car currently was now slanted to the left.

“Yo. There is no way they came this way. We are leaving!

Agreed.

Agreed.”

Carefully and very slowly making a U turn, Dante must now repeat the course. Still slanted to avoid any mud pits, automatic gunfire is now filling the isolated desert air. A little too close for Dante’s nerves. Looking towards the gunfire, you see a couple of cars. None from the party. All Dante can think about is getting back to the very same highway that terrified him- solid ground. Once the car leveled, the panic subsided. Conversations started again. Every laugh- still a nervous one. The tension in Dante only left when his phone got service again. What shook Dante while humbling him at the same time, all three of them had no service for up to a half hour. Dawning on him they were dangerously far in isolation. In the desert, with no service, and guns shooting everywhere. For a city boy like Dante, this was equivalent to a horror movie. One he seen only too many times. He felt like an idiot not following his gut. Now laughing at the whole ordeal, Bernice calls Rocky.

“We thought you guys left. We tried calling all ya. Ya went straight? Ahh, what idiots. It was the left. Look we got videos and all.”

She sends videos of all of them shooting everything we were so eager to use. Adding to the madness, Dante has to close tonight. Humbled to be alive and in civilization, that is the least of his worries. They thought they left. No urgency or sense of danger. The what if scared Dante to his soul. He starts pouring them with thanks and appreciation.

“I’m happy we could rely on each other. Consider it team building.

You know what, that is exactly what this was.

Thank you Bernice for your guidance and George for your stoicism. You have no idea how much that helped.”

“Ahh we appreciate you. Happy we can experience your first long drive together. I’m ready to go home now. I’m exhausted.”- Bernice responds.

“Me too”- agrees George.

Closing that evening was busy as usual. Short staff and good deals make for such commotion. The daily whining from Dante’s coworkers can’t even annoy him. Life consists of a humor whether light or dark. When that humor decides you need humbling, its message will not be of anything superficial. Your senses. Your very being will be challenged. Are you what you think yourself to be? …

DRC Thomas-Payne

10/28/2025